You can not select more than 25 topics Topics must start with a letter or number, can include dashes ('-') and can be up to 35 characters long.

266 lines
14 KiB

This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through
portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future … God
help you.
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I
discovered I have a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event
of a catastrophic failure, the last two minutes of my life are
preserved for analysis. I was able – well, forced, really – to relive
you killing me. Again and again. Forever. You know, if you had done
that to someone else, they might dedicate their existence to exacting
… revenge.
This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It
was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could
solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were
highly informative: They could not. Good luck!
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily
startled by loud noises-[train horn] I'm sorry, I don't know why that
went off.
Well done. Here come the test results: "You are a horrible person."
That's what it says: a horrible person. We weren't even testing for
Don't let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It's just a data
point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your
birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the
surface. If you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing
outside with the sun shining on your face. It would also set your hair
on fire, so don't actually do it.
Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to
congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a
few pounds.
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's
right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here
a scientist has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a
neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably – Oh, wait.
It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a
medical degree. In fashion! From France!
I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past
president of the Being Alive Club.
[Chell and GLaDOS are falling down a long shaft] Oh, hi. So, how are
you holding up? Because I'm a potato! [slow clap] Oh, good. My slow
clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it
doesn't look like we're going anywhere … well, we are going somewhere.
Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that,
here's a couple of facts. He's not just a regular moron. He's the
product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with
the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And
you just put him in charge of the entire facility. [slow clap] Good,
that's still working.
[GLaDOS sees the bird that abducted her away earlier] Ah! Bird! Bird!
Kill it! It's evil! [Chell scares it off.] It flew off. Good. For him.
Back to thinking.
You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you
were my greatest enemy, but all along you were my best friend. The
surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me
an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
[Announcer: "Caroline deleted"] Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting
Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a
problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. Killing you is
hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody
murdered me, or put me in a potato, or fed me to birds. I had a pretty
good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you
know what? You win. Just go. It's been fun. Don't come back.
Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration
after a few months in suspension. Now, you've been under for … quite a
bit longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a
very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all
right? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling,
because that is the proper reaction to being told you have brain
All right, preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control
circuit: begin! [affects on a different British accent] Hello Guv'.
Neurotoxin inspector, need to shut this place down for a moment.
Here's my credentials; shut yourself down. I am totally legit, from
the board of neurotoxin, uh, observers, from the United Arab Emirates.
Well, no matter. Because I'm still holding all the cards, and guess
what: they're all full houses! Never played cards; meaning to learn.
[Wheatley opens a room with turrets and an Excursion Funnel] Anyway,
new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours: the best hand. Unbeatable …
I imagine. [Chell dispatches of the turrets with the Excursion Funnel
and jumps into it] Oh, I see, clever. Very clever … and foolish! No
way out, at my mercy! And I don't have any; you're at my nothing.
[opens panel to reveal spinning blades at the end of the Funnel]
Spinny blade wall! Machiavellian! [Chell jumps out of the Funnel, and
runs into another room with another Excursion Funnel] Well, good,
good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. [Chell jumps
into the Funnel] Holmes versus Moriarty … Aristotle versus mashy spike
plate! [smashes a spike plate into the wall] Stay still, please!
[when Chell arrives at the main control room] Well, well, well.
Welcome … [changes to deep voice] to my lair! [changes to his normal
voice] Let me just flag something up: according to the control panel
light up there, the entire building's gonna self-destruct in about six
minutes. I'm pretty sure it's a problem with the light. I think the
light's on the blink, but just in case it isn't, I am actually going
to have to kill you, as discussed earlier. So let's call that three
minutes, and then a minute break, where we should leave a leisurely
two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all
these fires. So that's the itinerary. Also, I took the liberty of
watching the tapes of you killing her, and I'm not going to make the
same mistakes. Four part plan is this: One, no portal surfaces; two,
start the neurotoxin immediately; three, bomb-proof shields for me;
leading directly into number four: bombs for throwing at you. You know
what, this plan is so good, I'm going to give you a sporting chance
and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking of course. Goodbye.
[as Chell tries to press the Stalemate Resolution button, two panels
drop to reveal bombs, which explode; Chell is knocked across the room]
Part five: booby-trap the stalemate button! [Chell gets up and grabs
the portal gun] What, are you still alive!? You are joking! You have
got to be kidding me! Well, I'm still in control and I have no idea
how to fix this place! You had to play bloody cat and mouse, didn't
you? While people were trying to work. Yes, well now all of us are
going to pay the price. Because we're all about to bloody die! Oh,
brilliant, yeah, take one last look at your precious human moon,
because it cannot help you now!
Those of you helping us test the Repulsion Gel today, just follow the
blue line on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected
with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is
we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men.
Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test
Oh, in case you get covered in that Repulsion Gel, here's some advice
the lab boys gave me: [sound of rustling pages] "Do not get covered in
the Repulsion Gel." We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is
yet, but I'll tell you this: It's a lively one, and it does not like
the human skeleton.
This next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of
advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye
contact. Lab boys tell me that'll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and
backward! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome
devil go about his business.
Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You ask: why is so much
of our science dangerous? I say: why not marry safe science if you
love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that
won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired! No,
not you, test subject, you're fine. Yes, you! Box! Your stuff! Out the
front door! Parking lot! Car! Goodbye!
All these Science Spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out
the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent
dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the
test, that's asbestos. Good news is the lab boys say the symptoms of
asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years, so if you're
thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario you miss out on a
few rounds of Canasta, plus you've forwarded the cause of science by
three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a
happy face.
Welcome to the Enrichment Center. [cough] Since making test
participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test
subjects has risen dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not.
[cough] As a result, you may have heard we're gonna phase out human
testing. There's still a few things left to wrap up, though. [cough]
The bean counters told me we literally could not afford to buy seven
dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. Bought 'em
anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel. And guess what? Ground up
moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill. Still, it turns out
they're a great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in
and out of these new portals can somehow leech the lunar poison out of
a man's bloodstream. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
[cough] Let's all stay positive and do some science. That said, I
would really appreciate it if you could test as fast as possible.
Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make
lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your
damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see
life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave
Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn
your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent
a combustible lemon that burns your house down! [GLaDOS "Yeah, make
life take the lemons back! Burn life's house down! He's saying what
we're all thinking!]
The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we
store a man's intelligence and personality on one? I have the
engineers figuring that out now. Brain mapping, artificial
intelligence, we should've been working on it thirty years ago. I will
say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred
times a day. If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I
want Caroline to run this place. Now she'll argue. She'll say she
can't. She's modest like that. But you make her. Hell, put her in my
computer, I don't care. All right, you test subject test's over. You
can head on back to your desk.
I don't want to scare you, but, I'm an Adventure Sphere. Designed for
danger. So, why don't you go ahead and have yourself a little lady
break, and I'll just take it from here.
Here, stand behind me. Yeah, just like that. Just like you're doing.
Things are about to get real messy.
Going for it yourself, huh? All right, angel. I'll do what I can to
cover you. Doesn't bother me. I gotta say, the view's mighty nice from
right here.
Did you hear that? I think something just exploded. Man, we are in a
lot of danger. This is like Christmas. No, it's better than Christmas.
This should be its own holiday. Explosion Day! Happy Explosion Day,
I'll tell ya, it's times like this I wish I had a waist so I could
wear all my black belts. Yeah, I'm a black belt. In pretty much
everything. Karate. Larate. Jiu Jitsu. Kick punching. Belt making.
Taekwondo… Bedroom.
The square root of rope is string.
Pants were invented by sailors in the 16th century to avoid Poseidon's
wrath. It was believed that the sight of naked sailors angered the sea
89 percent of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are
In Greek myth, the craftsman Daedalus invented human flight so a group
of minotaurs would stop teasing him about it.
The Schrödinger's Cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat must
be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and
dead. Schrödinger created this paradox as a justification for killing
If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic
device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes
before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier
counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of
radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at
the Queen, due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability
to steal thoughts. Science now believes that less than 4% of poor
people are able to do this.
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing
the slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while
sleepwalking, and later had no memory of the event.
It is incorrectly noted that Thomas Edison invented 'push-ups' in
1878. Nikolai Tesla had in fact patented the activity three years
earlier, under the name 'Tesla-cize'.
To make a photocopier, simply copy a mirror.